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[26 Nov 2006|11:46am] |
1. work sucks
2. school is kicking me in the ass
3. i am sick
4. iflkshfkjshfkjghsdkj!!!!!
1. work isn't that bad. i enjoy my coworkers, i just don't enjoy the scheduling abuse that is going on!
2. i'm here to go to school, but in the last month i lost sight of that, and completely lost all focus. it's my mission to salvage the last 2 weeks i have left and make the most of them. hopefully i can pull off some good grades?
3. being sick sucks, especially when your ears are itchy and your throat is on fire, however waking up with a horrible sore throat got me the day off from work, so i suppose its a blessing in disguise. although, i'd like to be healthy again, i doubt that's in my near future considering the fact that i just developed a harsh cough and we all know it goes downhill from here. so i suppose i have next week to look forward to--a week of good health.
4. is everything i'd like to say but have no time to say.
on another note, it seems as though november has been the year of pleasant surprises in the form of past friends re-entering my life. it has definately made my november that much more exciting.
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[18 Nov 2006|09:27pm] |
in the simplest of terms: I'm tired.
Work is becoming too much, they keep scheduling me for closing shifts and now that the holidays are coming, that means extended hours. oh how i'm looking forward to that. although considering the fact that i have a total of 30 cents in my checking, the extra hours/extra money can't hurt.
school on the other hand, that's a whole other story. i'm pretty much really lost. this second half of the quarter was suppose to be better. i was suppose to get my shit together, but instead i did nothing. bio i have no idea whats goin on. basically i show up and fall asleep or play tetris and count down the minutes til class ends. logic, i'm a couple steps behind, film and i'm just not interested, crim..i haven't gone to class in 2 weeks, and its a one day a week class..KEWL! so its back to cramming.
i'm looking forward to the end of fall quarter. it seems as though it's been going on forever. winter break needs to hurry up and get here! although i know i'm just gonna be working like crazy. and damn 3rd street for having crazy holiday hours. for some reason i see a shitload of parking tickets in my near future.
enough of me complaining.
i think i'm smitten.
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[13 Nov 2006|07:32pm] |
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i thought it was only in the movies where you'd see someones breath being taken away at the sight of another human being. however today, i've come to realize that its not all just seen in fiction. as i was walking back to campus with kendy, i saw a man get up and walk from beneath the billowing leaves of the big tree in the middle of the university center. he looked somewhat familiar, until he walked out of the shade and into the light. it was him. gym guy. chris martin look-a-like. i stopped in my tracks and gasped for air. in that moment i felt nothing but pure shock, lust, and disbelief. i never thought i'd see him again. EVER. but there he was, looking exactly the same. it was like out of a movie. me standing with my jaw dropped staring directly at him while he stared back with questioning eyes until he recalled where he'd seen my face before. and that was it, who knows if i'll ever run into him. i know nothing about him, except what his work out clothes looked like and what time i could find him at the gym last year. the mystery of it all amazes me. it lures me. it's intriguing.
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[11 Nov 2006|10:14pm] |
basically i'm a nerd and i love lifehouse. in all seriousness, hanging by a moment is such a good song. haha yes i am pathetic, but whatever, i love it!
anyway, i've made my way through yet another dilemma. i'm quite proud of myself. i ended things with the intellectual before they even began. i just felt uneasy. he took it maturely, although i felt a little resentment on his part. it seemed as though i was assuming things on his part, when in fact i was just telling him how i felt . i'd rather be up front than waste our time. when i was talking he was sure to interrupt to voice his side of the story, and how he was going to say the same thing but i beat him to it--sure. oh well, i believe we're still on good terms? as for the other. i saw him lastnight. basically i'm really attracted to him for some reason. like whoa. basically the boy gots body for daaaaaaayz. hahaha yes i'm retarded, but still he's hot, and he's real. he's not fake, he's genuine, he's willing, he cares. he's been there all along, even after i've treated him like shit, he still stuck around. i want to see him again, and i'm kinda bummed that i can't get ahold of him. weeeeeiiird. i guess i do care for him. who knows, maybe this will be the start of something good, of something i deserve. it could be.
in other news, i'm burnt out.
work is getting to be monotonous and annoying. i'm dreading going and would rather call in sick, but i can never bring myself to it. i want a break. i want to put life on pause and just sit and relax for a bit.
although i can't complain. over all i'm enjoying myself.
saturday nights at home ruuuuuule. not.
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[08 Nov 2006|09:27pm] |
WHAT AM I DOING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
kcjalkfjlakhfjafhakjhfkajfhakjfh
i am a horrible person. actually no i'm not. i'm trying to figure out what it is that I want. i guess that's what i'm telling myself to believe, in order to justify my actions. but seriously one before the other? kslhflksh this isn't like me. then again, what is like me?
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[08 Nov 2006|11:33am] |
my left eye has been twitching nonstop for the last week or so. it's starting to really annoy me.
in other news, i donated blood today, it was pretty exciting. although, now i'm sleepy and lightheaded.
i am soooo tired, i want to go to sleep, but i can't :/ there is always something to do.
anyway, tonight i'm going to see borat, i'm really excited.
and in even more important news, i've come to the conclusion, that i'd like to take a more active role in my life and actually be a part of some type of cause or organization. i spent the last year just going through the motions, it's time that i actually step up and become involved in something. what? i don't know just yet.
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[06 Nov 2006|02:54pm] |
my hands are shaking, i think i drank too much caffeine? maybe, maybenot. it seems as though lately i've been really jittery and anxious. about what? who knows?
i'm at a weird point in life right now, atleast relationshipwise. too many things are being thrown at me at once, that i don't know how to handle, or rather, address each situation. i don't understand the concept of dating multiple people at one time. it seems shady and dishonest, yet so many people seem to be able to juggle different relationships at once. it feels too awkward. i am genuine in my feelings, but at the same time i feel guilty. i feel like i may be leading one or both of them on and in the end i'm sure i'll end up alone. i'm not ready to completely cut off one, just to focus on the other. hell the other is so recent, so new, so out of the blue. then the other has always been there, and will always be there (?), he's fragile and honest. a part of me wants to give him a second chance, so i'm holding on. i can't deny the fact that i am really attracted to him--physically. as for the other, i am but it's not as animalistic as the other. i'm more fond of his intelligence and personality. although, he did take me by surprise, for being as passive and gentle as he is, he can be aggressive. meh i should stop overanalyzing and just go with the flow. however, i'm afraid that if i hang out with the first everything will just fall back into what it was before, and i don't think i want that. i tell myself i dont want a realtionship, yet do i really not want it? or am i just afraid? it could be a combination of both. i wish i had a therapist so i could have an objective opinion on my thoughts. i could just be wanting one out of lust and for all the wrong reasons, and the other i don't even know if i want him. he's caught me at a time of confusion. maybe he's just instant gratification.
as much as i complain about wanting someone in my life, when the opportunity arises i tend to push it away.
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[05 Nov 2006|09:54pm] |
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so it was waaaaaaaaaay better than what i expected. being honest is basically the best thing you can ever do, and for that i had a fabulous evening. he asked to see me again, so we'll see, maybe this will become a reoccuring event.
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[01 Nov 2006|10:44pm] |
so i'm going on a "date"? on saturday night.
reeeaaaally random. this guy that use to be in my film class last year, called me and asked to hang out. so of course i agreed. he's really nice, and i remember thinking he was cute and would catch myself looking in his direction instead of listening to lecture. this could be exciting. however, i've talked to him a few times on the phone, planning etc etc, and every time i think we're totally not on the same page. he's out of college, has a career and is intellectual and political and all these other things. compared to him i feel trivial and childish. who knows what he sees in me, i just hope it's not tragic. all i can do is be myself, and if thats not interesting then ohh well. i don't even know what page we're on in regards to this "date". i'm thinking it's just a hang out to catch up and stuff, i don't think i want anything romantic with him. so hopefully he's thinking the same thing. i'll cross my fingers.
on another note, i kinda think i want to date bobby again? i don't know. it's a possibility.
anyway, on monday i walked into the stock room and i walked straight into a reallly cute guy. apparently tara hired a new stock person. exciting. he's hot. he's flirty. he's young-ish. he's new. that's all that matters. so now i have a new reason to get excited when going to work.
other than that nothing else is new.
i skipped school today and now i have no idea what i should be doing, so instead i'm gonna watch a movie.
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[29 Oct 2006|08:42pm] |
i'm over mind games. i over lies. i'm over the exaggerations, the blame, the stories, etc etc et fucking cetera.
i'm confident in saying that you're really not in my life. no matter how much you try to come back into it, i'll be civil and acknowledge you, but don't expect anything else. my hopes for our friendship are pretty much gone. as far as i'm concerned, i'd rather not keep company with hypocrites.
real people don't need to justify their character at the expense of other people's feelings. i'm not the only one. real people admit their faults and take the blame when they are wrong. real people dont monopolize and manipulate feelings and then totally disregard them with no reason or explanation. real people actually care.
so on that note, i'm not angry, i'm just amused.
i guess you have to do what you have to do to get by.
and if that means all of the above, then suit yourself.
i'm lucky in knowing that my friends are real people.
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[25 Oct 2006|07:42pm] |
they hired a new girl at work...no one thinks she's gonna fit in.
im glad i work only 2 days this week.
midterms are almost over! 3 down and 1 more to go.
tonight/tomorrow until 6 pm is gonna be streeesssssful.
for some reason i'm over it and i dont want to study. basically i'm going to go to mimis come home and indulge in sex and the city box sets, then tomorrow morning i'm gonna be mad at myself for sleeping in too late and not being able to study everything i need to know before 7pm.
after 9:50 pm tomorrow night i'm gonna be a happier and more ambitious person. i get to start over! yay! maybe i'll do it right this time.
phi psi party tomorrrow night...maybe i'll go? who knows..most of those guys are conceited.
so i'm back from mimis and im full and lazy, although i kinda feel studious, but not really.
i dont want to stuuuuuddy!! uuuugh.
i want to meet a new person every day.
this is a pointless entry.
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[14 Oct 2006|11:31pm] |
basically i love my coworkers, partly because they're all men with the exception of two. workign with guys is just so much easier, and atleast in my experience, a lot more fun! it's also a plus that they're all pretty good looking.
anyway, i have a crush on my boss. too bad he's 29 and unavailable. he's not even drop deap gorgeous, basically a joe schmoe with a lot of baggage. typical type i'd be attracted to. seriously i don;t think i've ever been attracted to anyone "normal". always someone with emotional instability or something else, then again no one is perfect..but whatever. anyway i just like that he's sarcastic and witty and an asshole but a sweetheart. basically he embodies many qualities i like in the men i date.
lately relationships have been on my mind a lot. i want one. there is said it. i want a relationship. i want someone to take care of me. i want someone i can call randomly just to call. i want someone who'll come over after work and just hang out and be silly. i want someone who'll hug me. i want someone who'll surpise me. i want someone. i want substance. i say this all now, but i know once i find myself in that situation, i'll either fall to hard, or feel smothered. there is no level ground with me. i'm fickle. i change my mind too much. i get bored. i get too excited. i create a reality that is not reality. i'm crazy. i'm not perfect.
i was talking to my coworker and i was like why can't i get a guy? what's wrong with me??! who knows, but something. obviously. and everyone always says, don't go out looking for someone, they'll find you. well i think that person may have gotten lost because he hasn't shown up yet. it's not that i NEED a realtionship or a man, i'd just like one. you're friends and girlfriends can only take you so far. there is still a void that needs to be filled. seriously i look around and it seems like everyone is getting married or they're in long term relationships..then there is me. single and all alone. this is more of a rant, than a plea for pity.
i mean i dated bobby for a little bit, but then realized i needed someone a little more outspoken and stubborn. then there was the musician, but he's off playing his music and traveling from state to state..so that's an obvious no. guh! i just want something.
on another note
i couldn't get the australian out of my head today!
it was a one time encounter, but definately a memorable one. he was gorgeous. talk about pure instant attraction.
reverting back to my stalking days, i need to find out where he's staying. he's on holiday for a month. a lot can happen in 30 days.
hah.
i need to stop watching sex and the city box sets.
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[12 Oct 2006|10:24pm] |
first things first..
my room is a complete mess. it's starting to irritate me, yet i still haven't put away my laundry or picked up my shoes off of the floor.
i talked to my boss about cutting back my hours. he said that it was possible, but not until after this coming week. so basically i have to endure another week of no sleep and endless amounts of reading i must catch up on.
i've come to the conclusion that i am indecisive about practically everything.
i remember comparing my wrist to his and feeling so tiny.
staring at the guy at the bus stop reminded me of it all.
staring at my professors chest and taking in his arm span reminded me of it all.
it sounds disgusting, to be oogling your teacher, but seriously i miss being embraced and feeling safe.
the fact that i seem to see it everywhere just shows how desperate i'm getting.
hah! but i still stand firm in my standards.
**edit**
one of my "would have been bosses" at miss 60 came into my work today and tried to recruit me. i just think it's kinda funny because he knows the reason for me leaving the company. he came in sayin that they were looking for a keyholder and that the job was mine if i wanted it. that means more money, but the store is so dead. meh i would have totally taken it, if the store was guaranteed business.
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[10 Oct 2006|10:04pm] |
basically the world is full of liars.
kendy and i went to the "spa" today to get our massages.
guess where and what the spa was.
it was a freaking GERIATRICS CHIROPRACTER! everyone in that establishment was over ther age of 75.
anyway, the receptionists makes us fill out patient forms and then walks us to this back room for our spinal x-ray. the doctor comes in and takes me to the aqua bed. i get a 20 min massage by some hydrabed, that just made me hot and itchy. it was lame. little did i know that during this time kendy was complaining about our little situation. apparently we're not the first people to complain about the short big breasted blonde lady who sold us our spa packages. apparently she's goin around making up all kinds of stuff. so the owner of the marketing place is comping our packages at a legit spa. i got lucky this time. the lesson learned: don't buy spa packages on ring road.
i despise the thought of having to go to work, but i do enjoy my coworkers.
i talked to bassal, we're homies again.
today was holly's last day, it's a bummer because she was such an awesome manager. even though i only worked with her for a couple of weeks, it still sucks.
i've also come to the conclusion that my life as of late is resembling an episode of sex in the city.
weird.
now time to get rite aid icecream!!!
i love being a fat kid!
sooner or later i'm just gonna let myself go.
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[09 Oct 2006|06:38pm] |
something i realized on the drive back from LA.
i love the shuffle option on my ipod.
basically i love "long" drives because i can lose myself in my music.
what i specifically love about the shuffle option is how it allows me to feel a variety of emotions
for example one second a song will come on that reminds me of highschool and my girlfriends, another song will come on that will remind me of middle school and right after that a song will come on that reminds me of past crushes and ex-boyfriends. basically i just like driving and listening to music. it helps me clear my head and forget my worries of that day.
bobby sent me new music..the tokyo police club..i like them..they kinda remind me of the strokes mixed with death cab for cutie.
after talking to him i also realized another thing...
how much i miss "hanging out" with a guy, but soon after that crossed my mind i realized it was him and i was immediate turned off, but the idea still lingers.
my parents are coming down tonight.
i need to clean my room.
i want to take a nap.
thats all for now.
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[08 Oct 2006|08:18pm] |
i need more time to myself.
school and work are running me ragged, and to think this is only the 2nd week of both.
atleast it's forcing me to manage my time well, yet i still make time to sit idle and be unproductive. actually i don't make time, i just waste time.
anyway, work on friday was kinda awkward.
i think this guy i work with doesn't like me too much anymore.
who knows. he's just been acting really distant with me. it's weird, because before we use to joke around all the time. i kinda want to talk to him about it, but i don't want to make something out of nothing, if i'm just being paranoid. i really dont want to not get along with any of my coworkers, especially now after i'm finally feeling comfortable, and not like a fish out of water. basically it made my night suck and it made work feel like forever. the one thing that made me get through the night was JD. sometimes i feel sorry for him because he's a really cool guy, but then i remember he did it to himself--i still love him though.
i drove back down to la, got some food and rented two movies-- edmond, and lucky number slevin. both movies were really good, i definately recommend watching them.
today i went to the eye doctor. basically my eyes are getting worse, but the doctor said that it's normal and not something to worry about. he gave me a sample of the new acuvue oasis contacts..they are pretty much amazing. my eyes aren't dry anymore!!!
i made my way back to irvine, didn some random shopping and met a really nice woman at target. she was older, but super nice. she made my night.
on the way down to la my phone died and i left my charger at my apt. it was nice going the whole weekend without my phone.
now time to do homework.
aka waste more time.
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[06 Oct 2006|11:02am] |
i try to be productive, but my forgetfulness leads to me always wasting time.
i have work tonight.
party afterward?
i'm beat.
i'm coming home sunday.
oh, and thank you for smoking is such a great movie. i definately recommend it!
and one more thing,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ROY!
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[04 Oct 2006|02:41pm] |
i don't understand the public's lack of consideration for public restooms. seriously i know everyone knows how to flush a toilet. i think it's safe to assume that the majority of the public flushes their toilets at home. also i think it's safe to say that the majority also urinate inside the actual toilet. if these assumptions on the most part are true, then why do people's bathroom etiquette go out the door once they enter into a public restroom? it is seriously disgusting. unflushed toilets, urine on the seats, used tampons hanging from the disposal bin or better yet, floating in the toilet. i mean seriously people! it's disgusting. if you use the restroom at a strangers house, you dont piss all over the seat, leave toilet paper in the bowl or on the floor. for the most part you're respectful and you watch if your present went down the toilet. i don't see the difference when using a public facility. i don't understand why people are so disgusting when they use public restrooms, and seriously it;s not like i can blame it on some bum making a mess in a park or gas station restroom. i'm talking about a distinguished university restroom. i guess everyone spent too much time studying for the SATs or some other arbitrary intelligence test, that they've all forgotten how to use a restroom without being barbaric.
that's my rant for today.
i think i'm going to watch thank you for smoking by myself after class.
i'm probably the last person on earh to finally see it.
hopefully it's good.
i've come to realize, hanging out by yourself is actually pretty nice from time to time.
on a completely irrelevant note, i bought 6 new rings today. they're the new loves of my life.
and finally, i was cheated 55 bucks. now i'm waiting to get my refund. i doubt i'll get it. the fact that i knew it was a scam to begin with, but the thought of a massage lured me into crumbling. now i'm out 55 bucks and have nothing to show for it.
good going.
i hope everyone's day was a happy one.
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[04 Oct 2006|12:20am] |
So i was almost late to work this morning. i woke up at 6:45 but didn't actually wake up until 7:30. I had to be at work at 8. I got to work on time, which is actually amazing. Basically I looked like i just rolled out of bed and got dressed in the dark..which i pretty much did. oh well. Working morning shifts isn't so bad. Atleast I get the whole afternoon to myself. Ususally I wake up with a set agenda, but by mid afternoon all I want to do is nap. Although, today I did get some work done. It could have been worse.
So my room is still pretty bare, but I'm slowly buying a few things to make it my own. I bought this white board calendar, that i retardedly used the self adhesive pads to stick onto my wall. bad idea! i tried to move the calendar and ended up with 8 pads stuck to my wall and chipped wall paint. lovely. i wonder how much they're going to charge me for fucking up the walls. whatever. although, in making a mess of my walls, i did discover De-Solv-It. basically this cleaning solution is amazing. it took the sticky pads right off the wall. too bad i didn't know of this while i was attempting to scrape off the stickers. if i had known about it, then maybe i wouldn't of chipped off the paint. i guess you live and learn.
on another note, i am addicted to my spin class. the only thing that bums me out is that my schedule is so hectic that i can only make it on tuesday nights. i suppose one night is better than none. seriously i suggest everyone take a spinning class. while i was at the gym tonight i wondered if i'd ever see chris martin aka hot gym guy from last year. i doubt i will. i should have just sucked up the courage to say "hi" to him when i could have. well, who knows, maybe i'll see him again this year. basically he was beautiful.
after the gym kendy and i went to albertsons and bought groceries. i got a bunch of yummy stuff. so i get out of my car and save myself of having to take more than one trip by carrying all of my groceries at once. this decision led me to this observation: many people are not helpful. i'm walking back to my apartment and i reach the stairs. so far so good, i'm managing carrying everything on my own. two people are behind me. i'm climbing the stairs, making my way to the thrid floor. I'm almost there, but i begin to struggle with the crazy ammount of bags i'm holding and box of groceries under one of my arms. the two people are still behind me..i'd say a step or two behind. obviously they see me struggling, and obviously they are also going to the third floor. neither of them offered any help. i guess it wasn't necessary for them to offer, but still, if i saw someone struggling i'd offer to lend them a hand.
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[02 Oct 2006|03:36pm] |
the new year, or school year rather, is fresh on its way, and so far i can't complain. this year has been promising, probably because it started positively with no extra baggage. i think in the last year i've come into myself. a little self reflection can help a whole lot. establishing my priorities and not getting shaken by mindless trivial things has definately reshaped my whole outlook on life. meeting new people along the way has also helped me get back on track and really realize who i am and who i want to be. sure there are more things that i need to and will learn along the way, but as for now i'd like to think of myself as being content. although from time to time i get a little bummed because certain people who mean a lot to me are spread so far apart. atleast that's something to look forward to during holidays and breaks. in other news, i love my new job. i love the fact that i have my car here with me, not that i use it very often. just knowing that i dont have to depend on anyone else is very liberating. my new apartment is still bare but it's coming together. i'm getting better with budgeting..overall i'm just getting better at a lot of things. one thing i need to work on is my fickleness. although i'm convinced that once the right person comes along it'll all change. til then i'll be friends with infatuation.
now it's time for class.
i hope everyones day was pleasant.
<3
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